Take A Pregnant Pause And Say Something Nice
Sydney Morning Herald
Tuesday April 11, 2006
MY PHYSICAL shape has altered dramatically and, as a result, I have become public property. I am 33 weeks pregnant, and now that people are sure I am indeed with child (as opposed to just porking up over Christmas), they are completely at ease with commenting on my size and shape. Some even see me as something of a "touch and feel" exhibit.
I find this all rather bizarre. Apparently, it is now acceptable to begin a discussion with me about my physical size in an elevator, at morning tea or in the eight-items-or-less line at Woolies.Complete strangers - who perhaps might otherwise not pass comment on the size of my stomach, bottom, arms, breasts and yes, my ankles - are suddenly compelled to let me (and anyone else who might be listening) know what they think about my "bump" and other surrounding areas.Don't get me wrong, not all pregnancy commentators are negative. Many simply want to know when the big day is, or whether I know what I'm having (a baby, I hope). Some tell me, with a little rub and pat, that I'm "glowing" or "blooming".These types of chats are rather pleasant. It's the other responses that irk me - the ones filled with Darryl Eastlake-like amazement at my expanding waistline. "Enormous," some say as they gaze at me like I'm Uluru or the Opera House. "Is it going to get any bigger?" they wonder. Yes, with seven weeks to go, in all likelihood it will.I often wonder how those commentators might respond if I replied with my assessment of them. If I, for instance, decided to tell them their bottom is large enough for its own postcode. Or perhaps, "Well, I am pregnant. What is your excuse?"I have resisted thus far, but it may only be a matter of time before hormones spew forth a vitriolic attack on some unsuspecting pregnancy commentator. You've been warned. And here's a hint: the bigger a pregnant lady, the longer she has had to endure the commentary, and the more likely your comment might tip her over the edge.Pregnant women are supposed to grow larger - that is what nature intended our bodies to do. It's quite basic really: as the baby grows, so too does our body. We have little or no control over this aspect of reproduction. So, to tell a pregnant woman that she is "big" is like telling a rocket scientist they are smart. It kind of goes with the territory.We do look at ourselves in the mirror you know, and we are keenly aware of our own enormity. Our size-10 jeans no longer feature in our wardrobes and our bodies are traitors to our previous regimes of grooming and fitness.Pregnancy commentators: enough already with the "you're so big". I know I am. So, unless you want to risk me replying with something equally insulting about your physical appearance, play it safe and tell me I'm glowing.Readers are invited to apply wit to anything that makes the blood boil. Send 600 words, with day and evening phone numbers, to heckler@smh.com.au. Submissions may be edited and published on the internet.
© 2006 Sydney Morning Herald